Day 353-354/365: trusting

I was not feeling it yesterday so I didn’t blog. But today, I’m feeling a bit more trusting and aligned with the flow of things so I can articulate how I’m feeling. I felt like I needed to take a bath yesterday and so I did. I added in epsom salt and lavender and just soaked for a while.

Usually, when I soak, my mind is racing a mile a minute and I enjoy the bath, but probably not as much as I could. Yesterday, I had a significantly different experience. I got in the tub and made a conscious effort to quiet my mind. I wasn’t meditating, I was just not letting every thought that came into my head consume me. And pretty soon I was able to simply envision a black chalkboard that was blank.

When I got the black chalkboard image in my head, my mind quieted, and I had no thoughts. My eyes were closed and my body felt crazy relaxed. I almost felt like I was floating in a sensory deprivation tank. I have never in all the years of bathing had that experience. And it was relaxing. Like really relaxing. It reminded of what it probably feels like when people have NDEs (near death experiences) and they say that feel like they’re apart of everything and nothing at the same time. I can’t say for sure that what I felt feels like that. But if it’s anything close to that it’s heavenly.

I’ve been struggling lately with how to just surrender. And that’s probably the closest I’ve gotten to surrender in my whole life. And when I got out of the tub, I felt like I could get through the rest of my day and not feel so heavy and burdened. And consequently, I had an enjoyable day.

Even today, when my partner and I had a discussion about me not using my voice (sigh: again), I was able to use my voice sooner than normal and I had a solid conversation with her. No passive aggressiveness and lots of awareness around how I was feeling and what I was doing, which was being triggered because I was responding from a place of un-wholeness.

Lots of learning and integration is occurring and I’m so grateful for it, though it’s somewhat painful to experience. Self-worth is a practice, and it doesn’t necessarily lead to perfection, but you do become more self-aware and less triggered. And I’ll settle for that any day.


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