My blood is literally running cold right now. I am feeling filled to the rim with sincere remorse. It is literally the worst feeling in the world. And the intention was to not disappoint, but when I don’t use my voice, I’m finding that that is exactly where I end up, in the place I don’t desire to be.
I have to unpack why this happens repeatedly. Because this feeling is avoidable and I’m tired of lugging it around when there’s a simpler solution.
So here’s what happened. Over the summer my wife joined a direct selling health business. She asked me to join and I said yes. I said yes for a number of reasons. 1. I wanted to be supportive. She has always supported me in all the endeavors I took interest in. 2. I like the products. 3. I thought it might be a natural tie-in for the direction I was going in at the time and still am now. All good reasons. But there was an annoyance playing around in the back of my head. We had done a direct selling business before and I absolutely hated it and vowed to never do another. (Never say, “Never.”) But I just felt like I couldn’t say no to this one. She was super excited about it and I was excited that she had found something that ignited her. What I failed to tell her was that I was not fully on board; I was not fully committed to growing it and so fast forward to today.
She asked me if I had posted a FB live video to my timeline and I had every intention of doing it, I just forgot. So then I told her I was going to do it now, which I did. And then as I was adding it, she’s like, “I need you to add this to your timeline.” And I’m sure I got snarky or responded in a snarky tone. And she got mad, rightfully so and was just like, “Nevermind.” And said, if you didn’t want to do this business, then why didn’t you just say so.” And I responded, “I don’t want to do this business and told her I don’t like having to restrict what I put on my timeline.” Which is true, honestly, but clearly not the whole story. What I failed to tell her though, was that I felt the posts related to the business are probably more fitting to my IG account, which is in desperate need of an overhaul. And I also failed to tell her that I don’t want to do this business, but I need to do this business. It aligns with so much of what I do. I just have not made the time to integrate it into what I do. So I owe her an explanation and an apology, which I will do this evening when she gets done with work.
But here’s why this whole situation erupted into an argument. I am not using my voice. I was told at a young age, if I told what someone had done to me, essentially using my voice, then well, it wouldn’t be a good idea. It would create all types of trouble and I might get in trouble. So when I get into situations that actually require me to use my voice, I choke. Get it? I choke back the words, I don’t advocate for myself, and it ends up returning me back to my story alllll over again.
My story is rejection. And so as hard as I try to avoid rejection, I experience it again and again because I’m operating from that place. So I keep creating it because that’s what I feel I deserve. Because I feel undeserving and unworthy of my partner’s love. And like my voice will get me, well, rejected or in trouble somehow. It’s simply, self-sabotage.
I have got to overcome this, lean in and really deal with this because it has reared its ugly head far too many times. But it helps to be able to see where you’re operating from so you can kind of check yourself, so you don’t well, wreck yourself, or ruin your self-worth more than it already is.
I’m going to look into exercises/activities that really allow me to use my voice. Maybe it’s a Toastmasters class or an improv class or even a singing class or voice lessons. Something that gets me in the practice of using it so when discomfort arises I just push past it.
So right now, I am owning that I did not use my voice when I needed to and I am also expressing compassion for myself along with disappointment because I am allowed to feel both. And contrite. I also am owning that this is not the end of the world and a powerful opportunity.
This lesson will keep happening until I can use my voice appropriately. In the meantime, I will love myself despite this issue and move forward knowing that at some point, this too will change.