Day 323/365: inadequate

Even though I know I am by no means inadequate, I feel very inadequate today. So in an effort to take on more of the work load, I sent out some emails to our students. All fine and good, but when my biz partner asked me to send out an additional email, or what I thought was an additional email, I failed to ask some important questions. And things just got so beautifully screwed up.

I have a habit of doing this. I either think something to death and suffer analysis paralysis or I just ask without looking first and then do something only to realize later I had a key piece of information all along. This is sooooo frustrating. I mean I wear gray allll the time. So you would think I would have an easy time of finding some middle ground. But I either swing all the way to the left or all the way to the right. It’s madness. I have got to learn to find the balance.

But at least I’m aware that this is a problem—a chronic problem. So that’s something. I guess. Ugh. So often I really struggle with “becoming.” Like we have so many layers, like an onion, and when you peel back one, there’s another right behind it waiting to be uncovered/exposed. It’s nice moving beyond the layers, but it’s so painful seeing yet another one right after it. I know this is all part of evolving, growing and being, but it’s so damn frustrating.

And I know I need to change my perspective about it and see it as an opportunity for growth, but it still stings, especially when I constantly do the same things. And then it feels like I’m not growing fast enough, which translates to me not feeling good enough, which is a vicious cycle—and a vicious lie, but it’s such an easy trap to fall into.

I need to remind myself, and say to myself: “I am changing.” Just that sentence can help me change my perspective and allows me to extend some compassion toward myself. I am doing the best that I can in that moment, but I know I can always do better. And I will.

Hmmm … So maybe now I feel less inadequate and more adequate—and willing to change.

Better yet, I am perfectly imperfect and perfectly fine. There. That feels much better.

n

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