Day 317-318/365: Sucker Punched

The past two days have been a bit of a whirlwind prepping for our Canada trip.

There were loose ends to tie up with projects, prepping for the upcoming class, seeing our niece perform in a fun dance troupe at her school and packing.

We got done packing last night at a reasonable hour and then this morning all hell broke loose. Sort of.

We were out the door and ready to go and I remembered that I forgot to pack my supplements to keep my migraines at bay. So I told my wife I needed to go back and get them. It was fine because we were early leaving anyway and it would take me no time to count them out and hop back in the car. So we turn around and I hop out and she hops out.

I thought she was going to get something she forgot, but as soon as she got inside, she was trying to help me get my supplements together. She was already in a huff and I already felt bad for having to come back home and then I just lost my shit.

Like I screamed at her to stop helping me. She was mad because I didn’t label each bottle with the dosage so she could help. But I just wanted to get them sorted and get back on the road. I didn’t need her help.

And that’s where we got in trouble. I could barely see straight I was so mad that she wouldn’t just let me do it and she was furious because I was pushing her away.

After we finally both calmed down, we talked. And I did not realize that I am constantly “not needing help.”

Look, I was raised to be independent and just do for yourself. But this whole interdependence thing has me flummoxed. I thought I was helping by being independent. By carrying my own weight in the relationship. But in reality, I am just being an island and closing myself off.

It’s a defense mechanism that I’m not sure I even realized I have. And when she told me that’s how I operate it was like a gut punch. I felt sucker punched–and basically terrible.

But I didn’t beat myself up. I simply vowed to do better and I apologized for my behavior. It was definitely a wake up call. And one I needed; I just wasn’t prepared for it. But, I am changing, which means that there is an opportunity for growth that will open up new possibilities and experience–and fewer arguments.

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