Day 293/365: Unconscious

It was pointed out to me today that from Thanksgiving allll the way to Christmas day, I have been in a sour mood. So much so that my wife asked if I needed to talk to a therapist. I felt terrible hearing this, and felt even more terrible for ruining her holiday.

I honestly try to be aware of how my mood is affecting others. And I genuinely thought I was doing a good job at faking my way through the holidays. No such luck. And to hear that my wife felt helpless and thought someone outside of our relationship could help was supportive, but made me feel like a failure. Like I was failing to manage my grief.

I didn’t really think it overtook me that severely. And I don’t want help. Therapists I feel are great for others, but I don’t really trust them to help me. I went to one as an adolescent when I was struggling to fit in, in middle school, and she was not very helpful. It could also have been that she was not the right therapist for me. And she was nice enough, but I didn’t feel like I came away with any really useful coping mechanisms. Which probably left a bad taste in my mouth for therapists. Though I know they are not all bad.

I am not quite sure what the solution is for what I’m going through—time maybe. But I’m really going to have to work on being mindful about this whole grief thing and how I am coping for next year. Maybe if I prepare earlier on and work on being more social, I will be distracted from the terrible feelings of missing my mom and having those feeling overtake me.

I will definitely work on being more conscious about it going forward. And I hope the new year will breathe new energy into me so I will move forward with even just a little less grief.

n

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