Day 265/365: Toxic

So my eczema has been flaring up. Terribly. So I know something emotionally in me is needing attention. And when I looked up spiritual meanings behind eczema, I found this: Itching for a fight. Essentially, it means you’re angry about something. I don’t consciously feel anger about anything, but when I asked my wife if she thought I was angry, she said yes. So I’ve probably been stuffing the anger and it’s finally now coming to the surface.

I have always been afraid of making others angry because I believed it meant that I had done something wrong, or that I was wrong or less than in some way. So I have worked my whole life making myself small so as not to anger anyone. I can easily recognize anger in others; and it drives me nuts.

But having to recognize anger in myself is hard. I know that I am a slow burn, and when I do boil over, it’s pretty bad. But I feel like because I don’t do that often, it’s okay. The problem with that thinking is that I’m not acknowledging that I’m letting the anger build until it boils over vs. releasing it when it arises, a little at a time.

Maybe I need to take up kickboxing or boxing in general. As that might help get the feeling of aggression outside of my body. But that doesn’t feel like it would help. I mean, it may take the edge off, but I still feel like I’m not quite getting to the root of the problem.

And why am I not recognizing that I feel angry? It makes me feel like maybe I haven’t felt entitled to feel angry all these years about what happened to me when I was child. Ha! Even at the thought of this, my skin is beginning to itch.

It’s time to scratch the itch and get the fight over with. I can feel in my body that I know what to do. It won’t be easy, but it’s necessary. I need to confront that person who wounded me as a child. And I need to vent. I don’t need him to have any reaction, but I do need him to know that I know what he did to me. How I feel about it all though, is up to me. And I can manage that part. Hell, I’ve been managing that part. But the other piece of the puzzle is getting through the anger. And finally using my voice to stand up for myself when I wasn’t able to at the time.

I have work to do, and it starts now.

n

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