Day 258/365: Ambivalent

What a strange day. A friend who I haven’t spoken with in years reached out to me randomly the other day. And I talked to him today. It was great to hear from him. But I’m feeling ambivalent about the conversation.

He told me that when we first met, he had a crush on me. And he happened to be dating a really good friend of mine at the time. I was never interested in him. And in fact, I used to talk to her about what a clown I thought he was. But he apparently made his interest in me known to her. And she was livid. As I would be. I never knew this. And at some point, well after they had broken up, she stopped talking to me—cold turkey. And I never understood why. She just became distant.

I assumed I had done something wrong, but I didn’t know what. And she became like a ghost. New phone number, new address, neither of which I knew. So I couldn’t even reach out to her to find out why. But now I think I know why. And I feel terrible.

So I’d like to reach out to her to let her know that I now know what he said to her and how that probably made her feel, and how hanging out with me probably made her feel. And here’s where the ambivalence enters in. I feel like my loyalty really rests with my female friend. But during today’s phone call, the male friend proposed an opportunity to me that would help grow the business. I was excited during the phone call at first. But after I hung up and talked to my partner about what he told my friend and how that probably affected her, I felt like taking the opportunity might not be such a good idea.

Now, my partner also had an interesting point about the whole situation as well. She asked, “Why would she stay with him after knowing that?” She wasn’t blaming; she was just noting how when your self-esteem is low, you will sacrifice yourself instead of advocating for yourself. And in all fairness, she’s right. But that’s not mine to work out. I can only be responsible for my actions. I did nothing wrong here, but I still feel the need to clear the air with my friend.

What I’ve decided to do is reach out to my female friend since a mutual friend of ours has her contact number. I would like to talk with her about what happened and let her know how sorry I am about the turn of events. I’m just trying to find the right way to express it. I suppose all I can do is set the intention of it being a productive call and not worry about the outcome. I’m hoping to rekindle our friendship, and I would also like to honor it by letting her know that I can opt of the opportunity if she wants me to have no more contact with him. I feel like I owe her that much. Hell, maybe I don’t owe her anything, but I’d like to gain true clarity on why we are no longer speaking. Even if I don’t like the answer.

I have no expectations. I just would like a fresh start and reconnect with a good friend. That’s not too much to ask, is it?


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