Today I was doing something, and I heard myself say, out loud, “Some days, I just don’t like myself.” I felt inadequate and I honestly, in that moment, did not like myself. I felt, frankly, unlikeable.
What compounded it was that I had just gotten off a video call for our online course, and although I’m co-facilitating, this is not my wheelhouse. I do not feel comfortable, and to be honest, I’m not particularly good at this. I’m not sure I’m providing the support these ladies need. My counterpart, however, is knocking it out of the park. And my internet reception kept going in and out so I missed some of the interaction. It felt like the Universe was telling me, “Nah. You really don’t belong here.”
And I already kind of know this, but I still would like to feel good as I go through this process/journey. Because I know this is a stepping stone to get me to the next place. But why can’t I feel good along the way? What’s so wrong with that?
Okay, there’s nothing wrong with it I guess so I know I have work to do. I have to figure out what in my story is making me feel this way. And from there I have to separate the events or facts of the story from the lies I’m buying into so that I can behave in a certain way. A way that allows me to use people so I can stay in my story. It sounds kind of disgusting to see it written, but essentially that’s what we all do.
Next stop: Diving into my story.