Day 239/365: Watershed moment

I realized today that I have spent my entire life holding my breath. And now I feel like I can’t breathe anymore, almost like I’ve forgotten how to breathe. I just want to breathe, to be able to let go, to be able to fully embrace joy. I’ve been holding on so long it hurts, and I don’t know if I even remember how to breathe, have fun, enjoy things. I don’t remember the last time I had fun. Real, genuine, fun. Like I enjoyed myself enough to just let go and really enjoy the moment. I long to be present, feel whole, even to recognize what I’m feeling.

I’ve been lying to myself, fooling myself, faking it until I make it and I can’t fake it anymore. I have to learn how to live. I’m not living. All I feel like is that I’m slowly dying. I’m dying inside and I can’t sustain it any longer. It’s not sustainable. I am crying as I write this because I’m tired and I need oxygen breathed into my life.

What I’m doing is not living. It’s surviving, which means that you’re fighting for your life every.single.day. I don’t want to live like that anymore. It’s tiring. I’ve been thinking about how to do this for years.

You cannot think yourself out of a situation like this. Trust me. Believe me. I have tried. It doesn’t work. You just think yourself in, deeper and deeper into your situation, into your own box, into your own grave.

No more. I don’t know what it looks like from here on out, but it can’t look like this ever again. I’m crushed right now and I feel hollow, but I’m ready to be filled up with things that make me feel alive. I started this blog in hopes that it would help me feel. It’s just helped me recognize that I’m not feeling anything and I’m still faking it. I mean I’m doing the best I can for where I’m at, but today, right now, in this moment, it’s not enough anymore.

I’ve been waiting for some external thing to come and find me, some moment or experience, but you can’t wait for it, you have to create, make it, leap for it, do something. I’m ready to do something more, to be something more, to be a better me. Not better than anyone else, but so much better than I am right now. I know I can be better. I know I am better. And I’m finally, finally ready to meet her.

n

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