After spending a great part of last night and today working on our online intensive course, I finally feel invested in this business. I know I go back and forth, and that’s probably because there are parts of it that I feel totally connected to, and therefore invested, while there are other parts that I want absolutely nothing to do with. At all.
Is that normal? I know, I know. What is normal? But I have no frame of reference or anything/anyone to compare it to. If I do a gut check, normal doesn’t enter into it. It’s about how I feel about the work. And that’s how it’s meant to be. I just wish it was all in alignment.
I just realized something. When I think back on the retreat, at times it felt like one long therapy session. Ugh! And although I’m sure therapy works for many people, I don’t personally subscribe to it and feel it would be a waste of my time. So to have to immerse myself in what feels like long-term therapy is probably the equivalent of torture. I believe that’s it. And I don’t know that that feeling will ever change. I mean I see the results that the attendees experienced, and in many ways, they left changed. But I didn’t put much of myself out there because it didn’t feel comfortable for me to do that. And maybe it’s also entangled with vulnerability and not wanting to feel that exposed in front of a group of strangers.
Hmmm … it’s interesting that it just hit me. And this course work will do much the same thing, but maybe it feels safer because it’s online. At any rate, I recognize in myself that I need distance with people when it comes to my emotions. Even this blog is a shield for me. But at least I recognize it.
The next step is to do something about it. And when that happens, I will really be invested.