Day 227/365: Hard

Today was hard for me. I felt hard or hardened. I woke up and I just didn’t feel myself. I felt drained of energy and I felt like I really didn’t belong at the retreat. The retreat has been a success for sure. The attendees have each had their own breakthroughs and will come out even stronger on the other end.

I, on the other hand, don’t feel like I’m faring so well. I’ve been watching my co-captain of this retreat and she is totally in her element. This is what she’s meant to be doing. It comes naturally to her and she’s damn good at it. She’s in the zone here at this retreat. She did all of the planning and organizing of activities. So there’s a large piece of me that feels like I don’t really need to be here. And moreso, that I don’t really belong here. Now, don’t get me wrong. I am a decent and supportive co-facilitator. I have offered some words that attendees have found very helpful, but this is not what makes my heart sing. What I do love is the effect the retreat has on the attendees. I love this part, for sure. And I love the attendees themselves. These woman are brilliant, resilient, incredibly strong powerhouses. This is undeniable. But I do not fit here.

So I awoke trying to figure out if I don’t belong here, then where do I belong? Where is my place of belonging? Is it one that I create, co-create or become a part of?

Everyone knew I wasn’t feeling it, and I felt terrible for that so I tried to put on a better face. But I honestly felt hardened by the experience of attending this retreat. Although if I take a step back, I am grateful that I am beginning to see what I don’t want to do. And that is a starting place. So it’s not for naught. I just wish I could figure out what the next iteration of me looks like. And hopefully, I can soften enough to feel it.


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