Day 165/365: Fraudulent

I am working on some projects, and honestly, I am not invested in them. I don’t even feel like I’m participating in them. I feel like I’m a stagehand. It’s not that they aren’t important to me. They are. And the world could benefit from them. But I don’t feel a connection to them. They don’t stir me. And they don’t ignite my creativity.

When I’m invested, I am on fire. Like firing on all cylinders. The ideas drop out of the sky and I’m on auto-pilot. I feel in flow, and it feels easy, relatively speaking. Right now, it sorta feels like I’m trekking through sludge.

A bit about my track record. I have been searching for that thing that will ignite my soul for years. It started with becoming a journalist and wanting to tell others’ stories. Then it transformed into interior design, which then morphed into the desire to become a physician assistant (a misnomer by the way, because you are more or less an independent healthcare provider, but I digress), then that evolved into becoming a medical intuitive. Throughout all of the changes, though, I have always been a freelance writer. So the common thread is writing, or story. But I have yet to figure out how all those things weave together to form my true purpose.

So the next question is: Where do I go from here? And how do I assemble all of those interests into something cohesive that serves? In the mean time, I will continue working on these projects, because I feel they will help lead me down the path I’m destined to take, but it doesn’t really help me right now because I feel like a fraud. Like I’m wearing a mask still.

I’m looking forward to the day where I can effectively drop the mask and just be who I’m meant to be. But, hey, aren’t we all?


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