At first I thought it was perfectionism. But I feel like it’s really insecurity masking as perfectionism. I am in an introvert, but I’m having to be out in the public more and more, which some days makes me want to break out in hives. It’s uncomfortable—and inevitable. And the only way to get through this discomfort is to keep doing the uncomfortable. In almost all of my social media profiles, I have no picture of myself. So I decided that maybe it’s time to change that.
So I took some selfies, which I honestly think are just ridiculous, but I digress. Every one of them I hated. Some even had filters, which didn’t make me feel better because I realized how good I could potentially look in comparison to how I actually look. Very humbling. And very, very frustrating.
I felt like there was never going to be a picture that I liked that I could use because I was drowning in my own insecurities. I was afraid of being judged. And of having people look at me and think I was trying too hard.
It is misery being controlled by others’ opinions. And it’s simply not worth it. And I try not to give into it. (Although when I hear the word “try,” I am always reminded of Yoda’s sage words: “Do or do not. There is no try.”) But I often give into it and it is hindering my ability to feel like I can show up and be who I really am.
And who am I really? I mean who is anybody really? I can string a bunch of adjectives and categories together, but that still doesn’t feel sufficient—or even accurate. And at any given moment, in any given situation, you are different people, right? So how can one image even capture who you are?
Obviously, it can’t. It’s not meant to. It’s just a symbol, right? And no matter what symbol you put forth, people will project onto you what they want to believe anyway. AmIright? So why do I care?
Ugh. Because I do. I. Just. Do. And it’s so annoying. And unnecessary to care about what others think of me. I just have to care what I think of me. And that’s all that matters in the end really anyway. I tell myself this. And it theory. It works like a charm. The practice part. Not so much.
I will continue to try (sigh) to shake off others’ notions of me and focus more on what I feel I am. I may just have to group the photos together, close my eyes, point and let that be the winner.
But honestly, the struggle continues.