Day 97/365: Suppression

Over the moon would be the appropriate emotion to be feeling right now. But for some reason I cannot summon it. The project that I have been talking about in blog posts is about to be launched. So here it is: I wrote an ebook with an amazing co-author and it’s now available for pre-order on Amazon.com and I’m super proud of it. But when it went live for pre-order, I felt nothing. No excitement. No overwhelming joy. No butterflies. Nothing.

How do you feel nothing around a project that you spent well over a year working on, refining, crafting, pouring your heart and soul into? This book is so important and so necessary. (Aren’t they all?) It’s about teaching people how to listen to their bodies so they can reclaim their health—and their lives. Since analogies make certain esoteric concepts easy to understand, we used a car as a metaphor for your body and how you respond to your car is remarkably similar to how you respond to your body. It’s a fairly solid, straightforward concept. And if I do say so myself, it’s handled quite well.

And since everything is energy as our book very clearly states, I do not want to inject this energy  of non-excitement into the book promotion process. Luckily, however, my co-author is responding appropriately. She has the butterflies and the excitement, all as one would expect. And so that will definitely infuse the promotion efforts.

But I’m left sitting here wondering why I feel … quite frankly numb. Now my co-author has spread the word far and wide about this book, and well, I have been in my cocoon, or incubation period as I like to call it. So it’s natural for her to be excited. She has a group that is primed for the product.

For me, it’s almost problematic. I’ve kept it so close to the vest that there’s no excitement to really generate. And if I’m really honest, the problem may be that the one person who would really celebrate this with me is not here in the physical. My mom was my champion, still is, but not having her here in the physical for moments like these are really, really hard for me. So hard in fact that I almost don’t feel like it’s worth celebrating. And it definitely is. But it’s hard.

So I’m not quite sure what to do in these moments. Do I fake it till I make it? Or am I allowed to struggle a bit and not quite feel like celebrating? At least not yet anyway. Don’t get me wrong. I’m proud of my work and excited about it. It just feels like those feelings are suppressed and subdued under the weight of grief.

For now, my co-author’s excitement will have to suffice for the both of us until I can get myself together enough to celebrate what otherwise would be a fantastic win. Hopefully, the numbness wears off sooner than later.

Onward …

n

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