Day 84-85/365: Conflicted

This blog lately is kicking my arse, but I am committed to following through on it—even if I have to double up on days (snicker snicker), which is technically cheating, but it beats a blank, right? So here goes.

I’m working on a project with an amazing collaborator. We each bring different strengths to the table. She’s more the front woman and in the spotlight, while I am in the background getting things organized. Now, these are not mandated roles; it’s just the way things have sort of shaken out, which is okay with me—most of the time. I don’t really want to be out in front, but at some point—and it’s coming soon—I will have to be. And honestly, I feel like I can really rise to the occasion when it’s time, but for now being in the shadows, so to speak, is okay.

But then there’s a piece of me that feels like I’m not pulling my weight in terms of the public aspect of this project. You have to feel ready, right? But you’re never really ready are you? Aren’t you just supposed to jump and the net will appear? Why does that feel like total fuckery to me? And this is coming from a super positive person.

This period feels like either I’m hibernating or incubating. And I worry about how that looks. Not that I need to care what anyone else thinks. But I don’t want to lie to myself either. Maybe I’m doing a little bit of both. That feels like it might be more accurate. Besides, hibernating is better than hiding, right? Because at some point you have to surface. And incubating means that something is about to be birthed so there’s that.

As I draw closer to final launch of the project, I am recognizing there’s a certain uneasiness brewing, which could also be excitement. Aaarghh! There are so many ways to feel about all of this and as I sit here wading through all of, every day, I’m not ever sure I have any more clarity than I started out with. But I do feel like as time goes on, I will feel more confident and more clear about showing up fully and feeling good and comfortable doing it. To be continued …

n

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