Day 37/365: Dread

I have to do something that I am dreading. And usually when these situations arise I do not want to deal with them. I will do everything and anything I can to avoid a discussion about whatever it is I’m dreading. This is not an effective strategy. It backfires on me. Every. Single. Time. And I’m not proud of this behavior. But at least I recognize it.

And at some point, you have to start adulting, showing up for your life and just being fucking accountable. But I wonder what makes me dread certain situations. Because I feel like if I could get a handle on what’s at the root of it, then maybe it would be easier to tackle the situation head on. Even if it feels uncomfortable.

Hmmm … So I feel like a big piece of it is making sure that I’m likeable. Because if I’m likeable, you’re less likely to find fault with me or see the cracks and fault lines. It allows me to hide behind what I think people think of me. But that’s not very authentic and you don’t really grow when you just keep hiding. You just keep running away from yourself. And it’s impossible to outrun yourself. Believe me. I’ve been trying for years.

I also don’t enjoy being lectured. And I am fairly confident that once I have this discussion, the lecture will come. But I have to realize that—and be okay with—the fact that people will have reactions and responses that I do not like. But that doesn’t make me any less of a person and they are absolutely entitled to feel the way they’re feeling. As am I. I am just out here being a human, having a human experience. And I used to think it was about getting every experience right, but that’ not what it’s about at all.

It’s about being challenged and still showing up in your life anyway. I don’t have to be perfect. I know I’m not. None of us is. And how uninteresting if we all were. But I can change, grow and evolve. And learn from my mistakes and make better decisions going forward.

In the meantime that doesn’t require beating myself up, and it doesn’t mean I avoid things altogether. I just have to come face to face with myself and be okay no matter what the outcome. Honesty may be difficult, but it’s probably the best approach. Because what’s the worse that can happen? I’m not liked? I’m not loved? I can learn to deal with those things as long as I behave with integrity and own my shit. The rest I have no control over. And I can only concern myself with what I can control.

Wish me luck.

n

 

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