Day 32/365: Defeat?

Today was not a better day. An argument erupted around the same thing. Not asking for help. It just simply did not occur to me that I was not asking for help. I am so used to going it alone, being independent and strong that it does not occur to me to be otherwise.

I feel defeated. But what’s interesting is that in the midst of feeling this way, I am not beating myself up, which is some progress, I suppose.

But I’m not quite sure, honestly, how to seriously change this behavior. I’m at a loss.

It makes me wonder if I want to even change. I feel like I want to change, but if I’m repeating the same behavior, it’s not so convincing, right? Am I just lying to myself to keep myself “safe”?

I feel like I need to figure out what I feel I’m losing or what I feel I might risk by changing this behavior. In that, I believe I may find the answer to how to change or just change the behavior.

I won’t accept defeat totally, but it feels like I’ll constantly take it on the chin until I decide to make a change. And until that happens the struggle continues …

n

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