Day 5/365: Balance

I struggle to have agency. Do you know what agency is? Merriam-Webster defines it this way:

2 :  the capacity, condition, or state of acting or of exerting power : 

When you can properly exert your personal power, you can make things happen for yourself, and for others as well. This is agency.

Most of the time it seems like things happen to me vs. me making things happen. The concept of making something happen in your life seems simple enough, right? But I get this wrong. Alot. I put in a crap ton of effort and it doesn’t yield anything or it yields the wrong thing. Or I think I’m putting in effort and I’m really not doing shit. So too much effort is just as bad as not enough effort.

I need to find the balance. But when you’ve been out of balance for so long, I’m not sure how to reach the right midpoint. I’ve been lazy and I’ve killed myself. So I know those two things don’t work. So how do you find the balance?

I’m at a loss. And I have to be okay with not knowing the answers. That’s part of this journey. Being okay with not knowing the answers, not getting it right (whatever that is), and stumbling.

If I could find my personal flow then I know I could be in balance and when I’m in balance then I know I’ll be able to exert personal power. Until then, I’m still left trying to figure it out. Pffft.

Maybe it just amounts to having more fun. Perhaps I can find myself, and the balance, in the midst of that.

n

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