Day 1/365: Defrost

Have you ever heard that song “Outside Myself” by k.d. lang?

It’s a hauntingly beautiful song. And it’s how I’ve felt (or not felt) for years.

In case you’re unfamiliar, here are the lyrics:

A thin ice
Covers my soul
My body’s frozen and my heart is cold
And still
So much about me is raw
I search for a place to unthaw

Something in me
Broods love into fear
It veils my vision, leaves my thoughts unclear
My eyes
From blue turn to grey
Hoping to mask what they say

I’ve been outside myself for so long
Any feeling I had is close to gone
I’ve been outside myself for so long

I have been
In a storm of the sun
Basking, senseless to what I’ve become
A fool to worship just light
When after all, it follows night

I’ve been outside myself for so long
Any feeling I had is close to gone
I’ve been outside myself for so long

Uh, yeah. That’s me. In a nutshell. Right now. But I decided (because we all have choices — and even when you choose to do nothing that’s a choice) that it’s time to tap out on numbing out.

So how do I numb out? Well, I don’t self-medicate.

Wait, yes I do … I self-medicate on time-wasting so I don’t really have to deal with myself. That, and, oh yeah, being passive aggressive as f@#k. But I’m getting a leetle better with the last one. Sort of. 😏

So I’m setting out on a new path, without all the anesthesia I’ve put in place to protect myself, from myself.

Each day, for one year, starting with my birthday, I will do something to feel and record it somehow.

So here’s my logic.

I figure, if I make it a habit, autopilot will just kick in, at some point—I hope. Right?! And I’ll be able to feel. Something. Anything.

Easy. Peasy. 😓

If you’re game, follow along.

If you’re not, then don’t. I don’t feel one way or the other about it—yet. 😉

When I start to feel, I’ll let you know.

N

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